My Greatest Fear: being fully consumed

Great fears always tend to have roots in self. However, Davide rightly captured the great driver of fears in the posting on "me." That really could be parsed and sliced into 5-6 separate posts, but I will discipline myself to not just draft his idea down the bloody turnpike...

Perhaps the unspoken fear that has tormented me the most is that of being fully consumed by the all-powerful, living God. The Bible describes God as an "all-consuming fire" and a jealous persona who desires nothing short of 100%. It's part of His awe-someness but also the real terror when you find your "own" life, identity, agenda and will being the fodder for this fire.

There have been numerous times in my spiritual journey when I became uniquely aware of the loss of self happening as I was being quickened to a "not I who lives but Christ in me" point of abandon. Quite honestly it is terrifying. Call it the cost of discipleship, call it full surrender, call it whatever - there's something scary about handing over the reins of your life, of becoming a vassal of a King...even one you trust entirely.

This fear - of not just being an ally but truly an employed vassal - has led me to intentionally sabotage the progression. Yes, I've tossed proverbial wrenches in the gears of my sanctification in order to stall and assess if I was really ready to be fully consumed. Perhaps it's why I felt affinity for Augustine so much, who transparently journaled, "O Lord, help me to be pure...but not yet."

My greatest fear is also the greatest handicap in life...a fear that immobilizes when approaching the perceived tipping point after which divine inertia will surpass personal ability to control acceleration or navigation. As if I ever did truly possess such powers!