My Greatest Fear: Married to One of These

Starlets terrify me. People seem to be fascinated by their lives, as evinced by the proliferation of voyeuristic media parading as news and the pop culture conversations I’ve had the misfortune to hear. But can you actually imagine being married to one of these women? Personally, I’d much prefer waterboarding. And I’m not just talking about the Hollywood glamorati, but any woman whose principle occupation is herself and whose greatest ambition in life is to remain “hot.” Solomon had a word for these kinds of women: harlots, and in Proverbs he warns of what can be expected of harlots and contentious women:

For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread, and an adulteress hunts for the precious life (6:26). It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman (21:9). It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman (21:19). For a harlot is a deep pit and an adulterous woman is a narrow well (23:27). A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike (23:25).

In my life I’ve had two recurring nightmares that I can remember. The first involves being chased by a giant pumpkin which I couldn’t outrun no matter how hard I tried (don’t go all Freudian on me – sometimes a pumpkin is just a pumpkin). The second involves standing in a church on my wedding day as the massive sanctuary doors slam shut and I’m faced with my future bride… and she’s a shallow, self-absorbed, contentious nag. And we’re married for forever. FOR. EV. ER! Guess which one scares me more? I’ll give you a hint: I never woke in a cold sweat after a pumpkin chase. God save me from such a fate!